Hiding in the back row – my new coping mechanism

I have decided that the only way I am going to be able to cope with this “Digital Media Communications” class is slinking in the shadows so I can observe until I feel more comfortable in actually participating.  I feel comforted by this new plan.

My professor picked up on this the way a shark smells fresh blood.  It was about three minutes into the class when he looks me dead in the eye and says, “Alicia, you need the experience.  Why don’t you shoot this one?”

Well professor, here’s why:  You see I can’t right now because my heart is beating so loud and so fast that I can barely hear you and I am preparing for cardiac arrest.  It’s just my age finally catching up with me you see. 

I don’t say this.  I get up.  Now everyone is looking at me. The guy who does nothing but text the entire class (he didn’t read the syllabus to know this is highly frowned upon) has even put his I-phone down.  I am certain I am wearing the wrong clothes that the catty girls will make fun of.  Man this feels a lot like fifth grade.  I hated fifth grade. 

I am shaking.  The professor tells me that the camera equipment I am about to handle is only worth about $7,000, so please be careful. Oh my god, that is more than my tuition!  Goody. Did I mention grace is not my strong suit?

I was up half the night after I put my son to bed reading the syllabus and watching training videos for this class. Why can’t I remember how to turn this thing on?  I am sweating. 

Someone else was assigned to help me.  We fumbled together and we got through it.  I barely remember all of it looking back on it now.  It took me about a half hour to stop shaking.

After it was over, coming through this terrifying experience made me feel really good.  I don’t want the professor to know that though, because I don’t want to encourage him that his “tough love” is actually working.


Filed under adult education, Alicia Legg, Continuing Education, No Adult Left Behind

10 responses to “Hiding in the back row – my new coping mechanism

  1. Dezarae

    Brilliant ! The whole time i was thinking i was the only on who suffered from this…You can conquer the world Alicia, this I am sure of!

  2. Melissa

    Each time I read the newest blog, I think, ok now this is a hysterical account of something that evoked a major emotion from you. I love your vivid descriptions that make me feel like I am sitting right by you. You are a brilliant writer Alicia. Keep it coming!

    • Thank you so much for the nice words Melissa. These experiences do evoke emotions in me that I thought were dormant. Looking back upon these past few weeks as I am doing now with these blogs, I can see it as such a great experience. Sometimes when I am going through it, I feel like running for the hills or staying in bed. Most days, I can’t wipe the giddy grin off of my face.

  3. Shan

    Man… 5th grade.

  4. I enjoyed the post — and can really relate to the power of bring (gently) called out of the shadows, so that we can learn. Even if it involves a little fumbling.

    I look forward to future posts.

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